Burritos and Soap
by birdie7272
Summary: *Trebek voice* What is, How do you defeat THE DARKNESS? / Crack!fic, sorta destiel, sorta sabriel, sorta dean x impala (but I mean come on), and I guess sorta wincest?


**AN:** You should watch the season 11 promos and the sneak peek before reading.

Crackity, crack, crack, crack. That means it's crack. Not to be taken seriously. Enjoy your CRACK! Crack.

Disclaimer: (haha) I don't own; Supernatural, Jeopardy, Lost, Journey to the Center of the Earth, How I Met Your Mother (fuck the ending), Neil Patrick Harris or his husband, the Energizer Bunny, Straight Outta Compton, Fall Out Boy, Morgan Freeman, The Princess Diaries, and whatever the fuck else I reference.

* * *

 **One hiatus ago, when we last left Sam and Dean…**

Dean just killed Death because, you know, that was totally a good idea.

Crowley's mama took the Mark of Cain-We-Not off Deany's arm, because that too was totally a good idea. Probably to put it on some other red-headed hottie since Charlie vacated that position.

Off screen.

In a bathtub.

Because that was totALLY A GOOD IDEA. BRILLIANT. FANTaSTIC. INSERT OTHER SARCASTIC SYNONYM FOR 'GOOD' HERE.

(*breathe*)

Cassie went all beastie boy at Crowley's right to party.

The clouds got super pissed and lightening worthy of Zeus –if he hadn't been killed- let loose the smoke monster from _Lost_.

Stuck in a puddle of water –Baby's one weakness! (except for the whole spike in gas cost thing)- they were frozen as they watched the tornado of pissed off, pre-biblical DARKNESS crash their way.

Lucky for them, death scares them not. Because he's dead now…or whatever.

 **Now…** (except not really because this is past tense)… **mostly...**

THE DARKNESS was uber pissed off at being locked away in what was apparently the center of the Earth. Not some alternate dimension or parallel universe or Purgatory or anything. No. Apparently layers of magma and rock are enough to keep away the spookiest thing to predate history.

Way to get it wrong Jules Verne.

Smokey the bearer of destruction laid waste to the land and embraced it in total DARKNESS. For what else would THE DARKNESS do?

Sam and Dean lived because that's what they do and got out of Baby with minor scratches.

It was totally black. The blackest black that ever did black. Void of all light. Ink bomb explosion. Sharpie to the sky. Demon's eye dark. DARKNESS!

Because it was dark, Sammy got scared. Little bro needed to hold big bro's hand. It was okay though, Dean was scared too and Sam used moisturizer so it wasn't that weird.

 **Bro Code # 463:** If a fellow bro uses moisturizer, it's okay to hold his hand.

….Unless that's the one NPH gifted to his husband. How did Dean get his hands on that?

Sam was the first to speak. "Did you just kill off the one guy that could give us the answers to everything?"

"It was either him or you."

"Dean."

"Sam."

"Dean!"

"Sam!"

"DEAN!"

"SAM!"

"Didn't we give up the name bounce game like, seven seasons ago?"

"Whatever man, just think of something."

"Okay." Sam thought because he had a big brain and that kind of thing came naturally to him. Like the thinking pose –which he did midair. Impressive when still holding Dean's hand. "If the Leviathans could be beat by soap, that probably means we just need flashlights!"

The god of flashlight fierceness -the Energizer Bunny- zipped by and dropped a plethora of flashlights from tiny AAAs to DDs at their feet and they proceeded to turn all of them on.

"Hehe," Dean chuckled sexually. That kind of thing came naturally to him. "I'll turn on all the DDs."

"Ugh," Sam rolled his eyes and bitch faced at nothing but DARNKESS.

"Yeah! Fuck you DARKNESS!" Dean yelled as the flashlights flashed on. "We can see!"

"But how do we make it light everywhere. We're lost in the _Lost_ smoke monster with no one to warp us out," Sam said because this author is allowed to make more than one _Lost_ joke in a fic. "And what do we do when the batteries wear out? You got matches?"

"No good. Only got one. No point if you can't set the entire pack on fire and toss it away like the coolest mother fucker of all." Dean nodded his head, posed, and somewhere in the heavens of DARKNESS a neon light started flashing 'Straight Outta Lawrence'.

"True." Sam said and the sign was gone. "That's not the way to light it up."

Drum beats filled the air –probably from the Energizer Bunny- and Dean's answer was joined by a chorus of backup singers as he said, "Up, up."

The chorus added, "I'm on fire!"

Sam and Dean ignored their scream for help and proceeded to set up the rest of the flashlights. The black smoke curled around them like the tail of a demon curls around its captor's throat, weakened but not defeated by their beams of light.

"Demons don't have tails!"

"Shut up, Crowley!" Dean yelled.

In the dark of THE DARKNESS, he and Sam somehow ended up blindly bumping into Crowley and friends. Only since Crowley had no friends, it was just the lonely demon.

They stood and stared into THE DARKNESS, Crowley clinging onto Sam's jacket because –hey, Hell at least had fire night lights twinkling. Lit by the souls of the damned but still. Complete DARKNESS was creeptastic.

The flashlights were only doing so much.

"It's dark, Dean."

"Yeah. I know Sammy. That's why they call it THE DARKNESS."

"Terrible name by the way," Crowley drawled and all three briefly let go of each other in order to give a short round of applause at the brilliance and creativity of the screenwriters.

Noticing Crowley's costume, Sam had to ask. "I have to ask. Are you dressed like a preacher?"

Crowley bowed his head in mock prayer and said, "Stole it off an extra from _Magic Mike_."

"Good movie," Dean nodded and a chorus of fangirls coughed and muttered _bisexual_ into THE DARKNESS.

Crowley looked up and, with as much sardonic irony he could muster, said, "Only God can help us now."

"Totally true," called the echoing voice from the God above –the voice you would expect (Morgan Freeman).

"Oh hell," Crowley said and hid under Sam's lengthy hair.

"God?" Sam gasped.

"Yeah," said God. "THE DARKNESS is totally scary wary. Like, Trump winning president, off the charts, scary wary."

"Oh no," all three hiding in the cloud of DARKNESS cooed in perfect harmony.

Crowley was a very surprisingly good tenor.

"THE DARKNESS is older than the universe." Morgan Freeman continued, "Older than your mama."

"Hey!" The Winchesters protested but Crowley shrugged, slipped out of Sammy's locks, and said, "My mama's pretty damn old."

"You'll have to big bang your way out of this one." God laughed until his echoing voice twinkled out to nothing. Only, there was no twinkle. Everything was covered in DARKNESS.

"What the fuck Chuck?" Dean mumbled at the sky.

"Why are you rhyme swearing at dead guy in God's direction?" Sam asked.

"Yeah, why you gotta diss the man like that?" Crowley asked with his newly acquired sideways baseball cap bobbing with his head. Only no one paid him any attention because he was straight outta nowhere funny.

"Big bang," Sam echoed God's echo. "Does that mean we have to bang something? Someone? World orgy?"

"I'm in!" Shouted a vibrant, perky voice coming from somewhere in THE DARKNESS.

"Gabriel?" Sam gasped.

"He's dead," Dean said.

"No I'm not!" Gabriel argued, popping out behind his hiding place in Sam's wavy hair. Seriously, his hair was super freaking long.

"Oh. Okay." The other three said and Gabriel popped back into the hair again.

"Speaking of banging," Dean said, "I'm calling Cas." Cas' phone totally had reception in the middle of fucking nowhere even with THE DARKNESS covering the entire planet, and that was cool cus he picked up on the first ring. "Cas? What do you know about THE DARKNESS?"

Cas gripped his trench coat tighter against his body and was thankful for THE DARKNESS so he would no longer have to suffer it's horrible style as compared to his favorite first coat. "It's what happens when you shut off the lights before you go to bed. Or when the sun sets. Or when your soul is alight with the hope of new love, only to be crushed out by the dark despair of rejection. Or when the candles burn out. Or-

"No. Shut up. I mean THE DARKNESS. As in the-" Everyone on the planet simultaneously clapped twice and screamed, "DARK DARK."

Unfortunately, THE DARKNESS did not work like the clapper.

"Fuck off, Dean." Cas flipped off his phone –still owning a flip phone apparently- and hung up.

"What in the name of Fall Out Boy?" Sam gasped.

"Isn't he supposed to be under the influence of a spell and trying to kill me?" Crowley asked but was completely ignored because he had no friends.

Dean stared at the screen and called again. "What the fuck? Why did you hang up on me?"

Cas pouted so well he stopped to take a selfie of his bottom lip and sent it to Sam so he could hold up the picture next to Dean's phone for visual effect. "You didn't even ask me if I was okay. You just pumped me for information. That's all you've been pumping me for lately. What if I want a BM?"

"You want Dean to pump a BM out of you?" Sam asked the phone which was now on speaker.

"Sam gets it," Cas whined.

"I knew it," Crowley cheered and promptly ran away because he had no real point in being there anyway.

"Me and Dean, like, totally broke up or whatever and I mean," Cas sniffled and adjusted the plaid skirt and white blouse that appeared under his trench. They were like, totes adorbs on him. "Like, I know there's a bunch of stuff we both did wrong but, like, we could talk it out. But he just doesn't want to talk. Boys never want to talk. And I, like, know we could stop being like totally awks around each other or be friends or what evs but-"

"Yo," Dean cut him off and adjusted his honorary douchebag letterman jacket, rolling up the sleeves before slicking back his greasy hair. "Babe. Baby."

"Hey!" the Impala shouted but no one could hear her. All they heard was a honk. Baby was ignored. See if she ever saves them from spooky wooky black clouds ever again.

"No," Dean continued. "You know that ain't how it is. It's the screenwriters baby. They won't let us have scenes together."

"But why?" Cas sniffled and swiped a finger under his eyes to check for smudges before flipping his pigtails to the side.

"Because babe. They totes don't get us. They don't understand that we need to grow. That me and Sam won't lose each other if you're in the back seat sipping on milkshakes and eating french-fries."

"Do I get a milkshake in the car too?" Sam asked.

"No."

"Why not?"

"Your milkshakes bring all the demon boys to the yard."

Gabriel went ahead and popped back out onto Sammy's shoulder for a moment to sing, "And they're like, it's better than yours."

Baby heard all of this and cried her windshield wiper fluid out. Someone else was 'baby' AND there was going to be food eating in her? This was all too much. She flashed them her headlights and drove off into THE DARKNESS.

"Alright. I'm cutting this shitty BM short," Sam said while hanging up the phone because rudely hanging up on people is the norm in this verse. "How do we stop this thing?"

"Well…." Dean said, back to holding Sam's hand. "What about giant fans?!"

Blown away by this idea as Sam was, he ignored Dean and mumbled, "Big bang brings brightness."

"What bang would be so good it would light up the sky?"

"Get this," Sam said, remembering how he used to say that all the fucking time and then decided to randomly just NOT anymore. "Angels fire off grace when they cum. That's bright."

"And how would you now that Sammy?"

A silhouette of wings sprouted from the depths of Sam's hair making it look like the moose had antlers. "Um."

The wings started to glow and flap as Gabriel's voice yelled, "Make all the boy moose go WAHHHHH."

Sam coughed as the glow lessened. "No reason."

Dean stared at Sam's head for a very long time but decided against the idea. "Can't do that. Screenwriters would never allow it."

"Alright. Crowley!" Sam yelled towards the ground. "You have a point again!"

"You want to be friends?!" Crowley shouted as he reappeared, his eyes growing as wide as a hellhound puppy's.

"Your mamama." Dean said, taking the sideways cap off Crowley and putting it on his own head. "Where she at?"

"Here boys!" Rowena bounced in like the mother fucking Witch of the West (oh shit, maybe she did know Charlie before the whole fucking FANTASTIC bathtub thing). She was holding out a giant plate filled with Mexican goodness. "Big Bang Burrito anyone?"

"Ugh." Sam frowned.

"Yeah!" Dean yelled and stuffed his cheeks full of beany goodness.

 _Beans, beans, the magical fruit. The more you eat, the more you-_

Dean let one rip so big they flew all the way back to the shack where they started –leaving Crowley behind-, landing on Baby with a thump. She honked and flashed and screeched but they still ignored her because one look at the sky showed THE DARKNESS was gone.

"Oh my Chuck, THE DARKNESS is gone!" Dean yelled.

"Burritos were the answer!" Sam joined in with a smile.

"But look at those people." Dean pointed towards a group out on the road. "They have black blood in their necks and are killing each other."

It was true. All except one especially smooth skinned beauty with brilliant, vibrant blue eyes.

"Hey!" Cas yelled, popping by for a moment. "You only stare into my eyes!"

"Sorry, Cas," Dean said but Cas was gone before he could finish –ready to attack Crowley in that poorly suspended subplot.

"Oh," Sam sighed as he watched the carnage –ignoring Dean and sipping on a milkshake while on top of Baby. "So, more leviathans?"

"We need soap!" Dean said, scrambling for the trunk. Baby opened right up for him, always so accommodating. Would she never learn?

"Burritos and soap!" Sam jumped up in excitement. "How are we going to last all season?"

"Fillers Sammy. Lots of re-fried fillers."

* * *

 **AN:**

I blame Greendayer92 for pushing me to write and I also blame that tumblr post that said burritos were the answer. I apologize and I hope you smiled :D


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